As a property manager, you’ve probably seen everything. In a world with deity-laced grilled cheese sandwiches and television shows about women who turn their uteruses into clown cars, protecting oneself and one’s property from the ever rising tide of crazy is no longer as straightforward as it used to be. It could even be said that the statement, “When hell is full, the Undead will walk the Earth” has never been more real. While we don’t have access to the data, chances are good that things are close to capacity downstairs. Therefore, it’s best to prepare, do your research, and be willing to pound some zombie cranium if duty calls.
Surviving a zombie attack begins with recognition. Knowing your enemy is the first step, and, fortunately for us humans, zombies aren’t practiced in camouflage. A zombie will display a set of very distinct characteristics, but what separates the victims from the survivors is the ability to know them at a glance and take serious, immediate action. Because zombies can be mistaken fairly easily for your garden variety vagrant or drunk, pay particular attention to a subject’s keen, unnatural interest in brains and his or her indifference to the odor and unsightly nature of decomposing flesh. A zombie is also far less personable than a drunk, and will lack even the most basic communication skills.
Immediately following confirmation of an attack, know that you will not have a great deal of time to collect yourself. This is why preparation is so imperative, but more on that later. As a human, you possess a number of skills that will play to your advantage. The first is your brain (ironically the one bit of you your enemy craves). Learn to recognize the weapon in everyday objects, and look for creative barricading solutions. By choosing to stay with your property and defend it, you are accepting a challenge, but not an insurmountable one. Please note that you should never use a basement as a bunker, or any area that has an entrance but no exit. If you are forced to flee, choose a path with a low zombie density, arm yourself, and move quickly. Their erratic form of locomotion makes most zombies slow, and outrunning them shouldn’t be a concern. Keep your eyes open, and know your route before you go.
The first step in defense is reinforcing all windows and doors and collecting your survival materials. Because there are a number of tasks to manage in a very short time, you should take on this project with as many uninfected buddies as possible. Remember that reanimation can take up to 24 hours, so make it clear to all of those on your team that anyone presenting with zombie symptoms will be taken out immediately, no questions asked. Members of your group will learn very quickly that a zombie attack allows for none of the following: emotion, nostalgia, or jokes.
To lock down your building, preparing in advance is the key. For property managers, we recommend filling a storage unit on premises with zombie attack essentials. Note: Unless prospective tenants ask about zombie readiness, it is best to omit this information during tours and showings. A complete zombie preparedness kit should include:
- A dozen or more rechargeable chainsaws. Keep an eye out for sales and ask about buying in bulk. While guns and other firearms are effective when aimed correctly, it is difficult to keep the amount of ammunition on hand required to withstand a long-term attack, and you’ll likely find yourself in the midst of the paperwork hassle of an FBI watchlist.
- Stackable 5 gallon buckets for water collection. Gathering as much tap water as possible as quickly as possible should be a priority. Assume that all municipal utilities and systems will be lost almost immediately. Also on this note, prepare to shed any ideas you maintain about modesty and toilet use.
- A collection of coats, pants and other clothing made of a sturdy material such as leather, as well as a number of cycling and other helmets. Designs should offer cover to more vulnerable parts of the body like the neck and arms, and most importantly, your head. These items have the added advantage of being easily explained away to the suspicious, as you have simply been saving them to donate to a disadvantaged motorcylists’ club.
- Foodstuffs that will not break down over a term of days, months, or even years, and (for the most severe attacks) seeds and soil for indoor gardening. Foods with long term staying power include Twinkies and Ding Dongs, or essentially anything with a name that sounds more like an insult than a snack.
- A supply of random, innocuous garden tools, crowbars, and combustible cleaning products to use as a backup weapon supply. These items will chop and burn things nicely and run solely on human power, a plus if or when your supplies run scarce.
In terms of additional preparation, take note of any tenants and neighbors who may exhibit a predilection toward zombie safety and awareness. These people may ask you about extra storage space for the 1,000 freeze dried military rations they purchased on eBay (just in case) or openly talk about helping a “friend” build a bomb shelter just before Y2K. These are the people who will be your trusted allies and partners in a zombie attack, so it’s wise to stay close.
Finally, some basics for surviving an attack that every property manager should know:
- Location, location, location. Think carefully before investing in a property located near a cemetery or morgue. Because zombies will initially emerge from these areas, you’ve just purchased a little bit of zombie ground zero.
- Make good use of outdoor mats and rugs. Not only will they reduce slippage and accidents for your tenants, they make for easy cleanup in the event of a brief zombie attack. Rinse and resume.
- Practice cracking soft, slow, round things open. As everyone knows, the only way to permanently un-animate a zombie is to destroy its brain. This process will get easier over time, and rest assured the zombie you’re disposing of won’t feel a thing. Basic decapitation, while cool and satisfying, leaves you exposed to risk that the separated parts of the zombie will still function. If you opt to use this technique by accident or for sport, be sure to finish the job immediately. Zombies are as persistent as they are unattractive, and will pursue their pleasures even in the midst of serious injury.
- In the end, zombie management is an every man for himself game. Choose your partners wisely and stay together for as long as possible, but always be ready to destroy some rotten brain—even if that rotten brain used to be the tenant who was always a month ahead on his rent and offered to help with the landscaping.
Reprinted from the Landabout Blog, 2009. Happy Halloween!
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Fun landlord find of the week: Boom! WWII explosives.
